I am heavily into the tarot (cards). I am not a reader (yet), but I truly enjoy the craft. I binge watch tarot YouTube videos. This month has been an emotional roller coaster- and the month isn’t even over yet.
I was forced to re-open multiple childhood wounds. It just clicked- Mercury retrograde 🙄. But anyway… I had blocked the traumas out so long- I forgot about them. But this mercury retrograde let me know some things needed to be addressed.
A loved one expressed sorrow due to my childhood experiences. This is someone who literally watched me grow up from birth. I feel this was a confession that weighed on them for 34 long years. I am forever grateful this person had the courage to share valuable information❤️. It was obvious to everyone (inside and outside the household) the abuse I suffered.
Everyone just “pretended” they “didn’t know” what was going on. The sexual abuse… the physical abuse… the mental abuse… the emotional abuse💔 I re-lived the fear in my eyes… the chills in my body… as I heard my mother kept me looking nice, but the LOVE WASN’T there. I re-lived that scared little girl who longed to be saved- from a cold cold world.
I was forced to process my emotions. I would replay so many words and scenarios in my mind 😓. I had a rough first week- the good thing is I acknowledged it. Therefore, I was able to identify areas of improvement for the following week.
Boy did I bounce back (like Big Sean😎). Seems like I did a complete 360. I OVER (although you can never overdo) indulged in self-care. I experienced several candle light showers with incense and music. I experienced the beauty in nature (new for me) and spent hours outdoors. I also made healthier eating choices- especially compared to the prior week.
I counteracted the re-opening of the wounds with self-care. I came to the understanding it’s NOT my fault. My childhood experiences were not for me to feel guilt. I had to release guilt that it was all because I deserved it. I did not deserve it. But more importantly- I learned from it. I learned some experiences are just to teach us something. Let’s work towards a “what is this trying to teach me” mindset.
The icing on the cake was finding out I was not born when I thought I was. I put a nice spin on it though😎 All that is before me is in my past. I have the opportunity for a new beginning. On solid foundation. Not what I was told it should be. But for what I know- what I feel…What I love💗
I needed that tower moment. Otherwise, I would have continued to exist in an illusion. The illusion I’m not enough and I deserved every “negative” experience. Nope- not happening captain… not in my book. This new chapter is something like I’ve never experienced before. I am looking soo forward to it. I am learning to be present so I can embrace it and all that comes along with it (for my highest good).
🥂 to NEW BEGINNINGS 🌱💖