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I am experiencing a major transformative phase in my life right now. I’m not going to lie… It hurts… really bad… to the core… Its uncomfortable as hell… Often times- I don’t know which way to go… Or even how to proceed. There have been a lot of “down” days lately. I will say… having alone time allows one to be an observer… just “chillin’ in the cut”.

I am grateful for this timed opportunity because I am able to look at things from a different perspective. A clear perspective… not a biased perspective… or what I fantasize it to be. A light bulb clicked today as my mind raced with so many unasked and unanswered questions.

I gave myself a “death sentence”. You may think… “wow… that sounds a bit extreme”. The reality… IT IS. Let me break it down… I never forgave myself for many of the mistakes I’ve made in life. It’s like I hold a gun to my head and heart. I overcompensate based on the guilt I feel within. My expectations are too high for myself. I am human… I’m going to make mistakes… I am not perfect.

More times than not… I like to hold myself accountable for my actions. I also like to identify solutions to prevent situations from occurring again. However, it doesn’t just stop there… I hold the mistake over my head… and allow others to do the same… I acknowledge… This is not right… nor fair. It ends here…

I am human.. I will make mistakes… It is a part of life. I can’t give others a “pass” while refusing to give myself one. My mistakes are opportunities to learn something new- that simple. No longer will I beat myself over the head for “not knowing better”. I forgive ME… I will show compassion to and for myself.

I just connected the dots that this is a childhood wound. It is now ready to be healed ✨. When I was a child- I was verbally, mentally, emotionally, and even physically abused for making mistakes. My child self felt SO LOW… I literally just felt the heaviness as I typed that… I allowed others to add to that low feeling… I accepted the abuse… It was a natural response to be abused as a result of making a mistake.

To make matters worse… I did everything in my power to be seen (and treated) in “good grace”. Rarely was that the outcome… rather… Others took advantage of my low esteem and used it for their benefit. This is toxic behavior that I have carried into adulthood… Over and over again… I acknowledge this behavior does not serve me.

I RELEASE IT!!! I forgive myself for… being human… making mistakes… learning new things… not having it all figured out… I FORGIVE ME… I treat myself with love and compassion. I attract those who treat me with forgiveness, love, and compassion.

Thanks for reading✨

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There are some moments in life when things seem to happen “out of the blue”. It can hit us when we least expect it. We often are unable to put in to words HOW and WHAT “just happened”. Words of wisdom that I’m learning now ~ DO NOT FIGHT IT.

More often than not… That is the way things should be. No matter how much we “cry, kick, or scream”… DO NOT FIGHT IT. The “Divine” is at work- IN and FOR our lives… For our highest and greatest good. Spirit knows us better than we know ourselves. Spirit knows when we hold on for the sole reason of COMFORT. However, comfort is NOT where we grow.

Our soul evolves when we accept… What was… What is…And maybe even what “could be”. Our soul evolves when we embrace change over comfort. Our soul evolves when we begin to accept reality- opposed to fantasy and imagination.

The goal should always be evolution on this spiritual journey we call “life”. We make things much easier on ourselves when we “go with the flow” of spirit… Not the limited perception of our ego. I repeat…

#DoNotFightIt

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Oh my… How the mind

Gets stuck in the clouds

It’s been running for miles

But you refuse

To make it loud

Afraid of the crowd

You prefer to make them smile

Your soul is asking- “HOW”?

Think back to when you were a child

You were running

Free & wild

A true free style

And spirit too

Where did you lose it

Who used it

Who abused it

Not just them

You did it too

The many lessons you learned

All the bridges y’all burned

Put it all in the urn

Time for a re-birth

For you to know your true worth

You’re a blessing and a curse

A force to be a reckoned with- Sir

It’s your destiny

To manifest your dreams

One by one

Burst the seams

Pay homage to your spirit team

They’re the true MVPs

Working behind the scenes

Making your solar beam

It’s not always what it seems

But it’s always what it’s meant to be

Just follow their lead

They know what you need

And what you don’t

What you will

And what you won’t

Just have faith and trust

Forward motion is a must

Wishing you well

Remember… Your words are spells

Make sure you get

The whistles and bells

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It’s funny how the universe works. I was lying in bed replaying my day. I went to the grocery store and purchased a lemonade. This wasn’t just an ordinary lemonade… it captured my eye because a young girl was pictured on the bottle. BeeSweet Lemonade is a black-owned business by 11-year-old Mikaila Ulmer. Her story was cute because she mentioned (on the bottle) she didn’t always like bees as she was stung by a few in her life. Her grandmother assisted her with the passionate venture. The lemonade was delicious- if I might add 😎.

Fast forward to a few hours later- a lunch date in an artsy restaurant. I happened to sit right in front of the wall, which contained a beautiful painting… I immediately saw a BEE. I instantly thought of the BeeSweet Lemonade and then went on about my day. Fast forward to 30 minutes ago (5:50am)- I “unconsciously” replayed the bee events in my mind. I googled the spiritual meaning of the bee. I moved on with my life (😂😩😂) and began to search my old emails for a recent dream I had sent to myself. I came across the following email dating back to a few months ago:

I wrote all of this to say- NOTHING in life is a coincidence. My spirit team has been sending me subtle sweet messages 😀

THANK YOU and message received 💖

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I like to share many of my personal experiences and feelings here. I feel- if someone can learn from me sharing about my experiences… so be it 🙂 I’ve lived a long life of “fitting in”. I thought that was the way to be… Don’t question things and “do as you’re told”. Forget “how you feel” because it doesn’t matter.

I’ve come to realize- none of this is true. It’s actually all in perspective. More importantly, I’ve learned to LET MY BRIGHT LIGHT SHINE!!! Too often we dim our lights to prevent from “standing out”. Or… we feel that it will cause others to no longer shine. This too- is NOT true… EVERYONE can shine- should we all please 🙂 It is crucial that we feel empowered to be ourselves… To NOT conform- just because “that’s the way it is”. The “way it is” does not serve us- nor our life purpose.

We must shine our light- even if we are the only source of light. Light trumps darkness- not the other way around. Nor- can darkness trump darkness. We have many choices and must make our decisions based on what’s truly best for us- where we are… and where we’re going! We can choose not to associate with the darkness. We can choose to let the darkness overpower our light… Or… We can attempt to brighten that darkness with our light. The choice is all up to you… Whatever you decide- just stay TRUE to YOU!

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This healing journey is REAL… To say it’s work is an understatement. I’m learning more about myself through astrology. Astrology allows me to examine my past and create the future I desire. It can be confusing at times because we have been programmed with cultural and societal conditioning. However, we reap the benefits when we are able to look at the challenges “head on”… and commit to overcoming them.

Learning astrology is assisting me with identifying my gifts- as well as areas of improvement. Communication is one of my gifts- writing & speaking. It comes to me naturally; however, I try to limit how much I communicate. I have an analytical brain that constantly processes and computes information. Consequently, I have chosen to logically process if my thoughts and words are “worthy” of speaking and/or writing. This self-doubt and second guessing only limits the abundance packaged with my name and a bow.

I know in my heart & being that people want to “hear” what I think… and have to say. I know my ideas and words make a difference… in my own life… and the lives of others. Sometimes, I do not want to write or speak because it makes me feel vulnerable. I felt “weakness” as I typed that word. The reality is vulnerability is OKAH. It’s not what I thought it was when I was a child. The child within me is SAFE NOW! I can acknowledge that old script no longer “works” for me.

I am making a conscious effort to express myself more…. and more freely and authentically. It’s time to stop judging myself so harshly… it’s time to accept “mistakes” as a learning experience- and not beat myself up about it. It is time to embrace these gifts and all that comes along with them✨

I appreciate your time in allowing me to express my true self💖

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It is okay to go “against the grain”. You may receive “heat” from doing so, but we are the only one walking our path. More importantly- we encourage others to do the same as they may want to, but fear it.

The “less traveled” path is a bit scary as it is uncharted territory. On the contrary, the “most travelled” road is scary in the sense that you already know what to expect. Furthermore, our hard work and dedication is often unrecognized. Let’s not forget the reward is likely far less than the blood, sweat, and tears we’ve invested. So that my friend- encourages me to forge a new path in which I CREATE the outcome of my circumstances.

Life is what we make it… not what we are told it should be… or the way it was… I encourage you to question the status quo to see if it makes sense for you… your morals… your dreams… your desires. We have to shift the culture from “that’s just how we do it” to “we CHOOSE to do it in this manner because…”. Of course- this is not an overnight process. However, allowing ourselves to see situations from an alternate perspective is a great start (in my eyes).

Allow your soul and heart to lead you to whatever it desires… as they both know what’s “best” for YOU. This is a trying process as we often allow the ego to tell us “you can’t do that”. However, the fact of the matter is we CAN DO IT… as we have everything we could ever want and need within us. Furthermore, we have an army “in the sky” that guides and protects us day in and day out💖. Let’s make the “impossible” possible… and GO

-AgainstTheGrain✨

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I am in a totally different “space” mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually compared to that of a year ago. That is not to say it has all been good. Much of it has been disastrous and destructive, but nevertheless… well needed. In fact, I am still in that state- however, I am able to look at things from a different perspective. A perspective that I would have never considered… a year ago… or even 5 years ago…

Values and priorities change over time. Or… sometimes… they may even stay the same. However, I feel we are able to experience our true essence when we take an inventory of everything in our lives. I am NOWHERE near the true essence of “Who I Am”, but I am much closer than I was a year ago… a month ago… a day ago. That is the key to this “game of life”. I’m learning to understand it’s not quite about “having it all figured out”. In fact, I thought that was the only way to be “successful”. I was the subject of cultural, generational, and social conditioning… To “fit in”… To do this… To not do that… I have to be this way, but not that way…I excluded myself as I worked towards having it “all figured out”. It looks pretty good on the outside… I faked it well… To be honest- we ALL “fake it” well….

Society leads us to believe we are “living out best lives” while trying to keep up with the “Jones'”. While in fact- we are doing the complete opposite. We are working further and further away from who we are destined to be- while trying to compete with the next person, trend, or fad. I believe we all have a purpose in this life. We are ALL unique in our own beautiful way. It is time that we embrace this uniqueness in knowing not a single person (of 7.8 billion) can carry out our missions in the way we are destined to.

I am currently in the process of re-learning who I am. I am allowing death to takeover the parts of who I was… or who I thought I was. Some parts are harder than others to be honest. However, I understand they all needed to happen in order for me to get aligned… on my path- for my purpose. Whether or not I am aligned- that’s a separate topic :-). Either way… I am walking towards my purpose. I honestly have NO IDEA what it is… I have an inclination, but I don’t know what it looks like in the end… NOR… do I know what it looks like in the beginning. I can only hope & pray it is something like what’s taking place right now.

I’ve released a lot in these past couple of years… I continue to release… It is an exhausting process…. To accept that some people, places, behaviors, actions no longer serve you… ESPECIALLY… when we are sabotaging ourselves…At times… it’s like…. WOW…. I was really the ONLY one hurting ME!!!! Whether it be not respecting ourselves enough to establish healthy boundaries… or… allowing our ego to tell us we would NEVER be good enough…

This is a constant and DAILY struggle… to balance the ego… to know I AM ENOUGH…. to know I AM SPECIAL… to know I AM one with the DIVINE…. To know I am DESTINED FOR GREATNESS!!! To release fear and control… and to allow SPIRIT and the UNIVERSE to guide my steps… Because one thing i DO KNOW for SURE….. I have NO IDEA what I am doing (out here in these streets- searches for cool emoji :-)). I am finally learning to accept this about life… Embracing the moments of… “I don’t know… vulnerability… uncertainty… fuckery… the PRESENT!!! Learning to be present… something I STILL struggle with… but also something I am practicing… trying to implement… I am learning that I do not control anything… I just resist what is… and what shall be… which makes matters even more difficult. Therefore, I am releasing control of knowing “what happens next”… I allow myself to be guided to whatever is for me… and my HIGHEST and GREATEST good….

So Be It

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If you knew where I started… Then you’d understand why I feel so passionate about the changes I am making in my life. It all started with a troubled childhood. A childhood that taught me enormous strength and power- like I could NEVER imagine. I was blinded by the wounds as I aged into adulthood. It was all suppressed- deeper than DEEP. Over time- I was forced to deal with the demons in my closet… The demons behind my smile… The demons that plagued me AND my life. I had to get vulnerable and truthful with ME… I couldn’t blame any ONE or THING. I played that game for sooo long. It was truly played OUT.

This inner-work journey began a little over two years ago. Little by little- I began to chisel away. None of it really made sense to me back then. I just knew I was uncomfortable in many situations. I knew I kept running into the same problems- often different people… sometimes the SAME people. Either way- I realized… “It can’t be EVERYONE else”- Lol. This acknowledgement occurred over time because when I first started- I still blamed everything and everyone else- Lol… just being honest. I dibbled and dabbled with… what’s right… and what’s COMFORTABLE… Over time… that thought process changed. I began to understand karma… and the consequences of my actions… I learned… If I give into my selfish and egotistical ways… NOTHING good can come of it! I had to do something different… if I wanted DIFFERENT.

Over time… I began to delve deep. What is me? What am I creating in my life? How am I attracting circumstances that are not aligned with my greatest good? What examples am I setting for those who look up to me? What generational curses am I “accepting” as MY fate? When I tell you… this was far from easy… I wholeheartedly mean… FAR FROM EASY! Either way… I faced those demons… and held myself ACCOUNTABLE! Trust and believe- this is the BEST thing you can do for your own development and progression in life. It is not easy, but it is truly WORTH IT… EVERY BIT!

I still continue to delve deep as this healing journey is a never-ending process. Many ups… many downs… Many victories… many lessons… many BLESSINGS… especially in hindsight- Lol. In the present moment- I am focusing on learning me… WHO I AM… not who I was…. not who I PRETENDED to be- just to be “accepted”. Not who everyone THINKS I am… None of that served me!!! I realize I came here for a DIVINE purpose… ONLY I can fulfill that destiny!!! I am on path to live out this vision that I co-created with the DIVINE for MY life…

To be honest- I don’t understand A LOT of it… I have lots of questions… FREQUENTLY… BUT… I am learning to “flow with the go”… It is a constant struggle!!! The good part- I would not have thought to “flow with the go” two years ago… because I was standing in my own way… with thoughts that I was “handling my business”- Lollol… at the thought of it… I had NO IDEA… Either way… I am SOOO glad and PROUD…. that I’ve experienced all that I have… So I can be EXACTLY where I am now… TODAY… with a VISION… with a PURPOSE…. and FAITH….. and to BE ME… to STAND IN MY TRUTH!!! Regardless of what that may look like to others… One day… I will look back and share my testimony… Then maybe people will understand… The vision I had/have… Hopefully it will inspire others to follow their hearts… If one is inspired… I’ve accomplished MY mission- Plus one 🙂

Thanks for taking a glimpse into the side that I RARELY show 🙂