Lately

I’ve been getting into me

Tapping into my creativity

Seeing more of me

Seeing what I couldn’t see

Life isn’t as easy as it seems

Sometimes it all feels like a dream

Some days I just want to scream

I know I can’t lose steam

Somehow my light still beams

I owe it all to my spirit TEAM

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I cried today… in fact… The tears poured out of my eyes from NOWHERE! I’ve been holding a lot in these days. I have not felt up to much as I am internalizing a lot. I’ve been trying to manage the best way that I know how, but apparently… I needed a release- hence a HEALTHY cry.

This cry was healthy because I gave myself permission to… feel… process… understand…re-visit various circumstances that have taken place in my life. I normally handle things from a logical perspective. This happened because of XYZ and the actions led to the outcome. However, it was different this time. I felt sadness and loss as many cycles are ending in my life. I gave myself permission to mourn these people, places, and things… even if it was for a brief period of time. The key is I did not judge myself for… being vulnerable… feeling sad… reminiscing… and all of the other million things that have been running through my mind.

I know every ending starts with a new beginning. I am grateful for all of the wonderful things that lie ahead of me. Some are things that I could only dream of- becoming a reality. In this moment- I choose to honor my feelings for what… is leaving… has been and was. I express gratitude for the beautiful memories and rewarding experiences. I am even grateful for the painful & hard lessons, which have ultimately made me stronger in the end.

I cries today… and in that moment… I knew things would be okay.

I am making a conscious effort to set annual goals. The intent is to look back (the following year) and say to myself… WOW… I really overcame that… While I was “in it” (the moment)… I never imagined making it out. The intent is to grow stronger with each challenge… The intent is to look at life from a different perspective- each time… The intent… is to inspire & empower others to stand in their power… As I am learning to stand in mine✨

All of this to say- I overcame A LOT of obstacles last year (around this time). I knew I would be defeated… BUT… through my spirit team, faith, patience, perseverance, dedication, and much more… I overcame those battles which were set to “take me out”.

I stand here today… with a new set of challenges… in which it is difficult to see the light. I will say… I am looking forward to my yearly overview (next year)… Because my spirit team, faith, patience, perseverance, dedication, and much more hasn’t let me down yet💖

To be continued…

There are some moments in life when things seem to happen “out of the blue”. It can hit us when we least expect it. We often are unable to put in to words HOW and WHAT “just happened”. Words of wisdom that I’m learning now ~ DO NOT FIGHT IT.

More often than not… That is the way things should be. No matter how much we “cry, kick, or scream”… DO NOT FIGHT IT. The “Divine” is at work- IN and FOR our lives… For our highest and greatest good. Spirit knows us better than we know ourselves. Spirit knows when we hold on for the sole reason of COMFORT. However, comfort is NOT where we grow.

Our soul evolves when we accept… What was… What is…And maybe even what “could be”. Our soul evolves when we embrace change over comfort. Our soul evolves when we begin to accept reality- opposed to fantasy and imagination.

The goal should always be evolution on this spiritual journey we call “life”. We make things much easier on ourselves when we “go with the flow” of spirit… Not the limited perception of our ego. I repeat…

#DoNotFightIt

Oh my… How the mind

Gets stuck in the clouds

It’s been running for miles

But you refuse

To make it loud

Afraid of the crowd

You prefer to make them smile

Your soul is asking- “HOW”?

Think back to when you were a child

You were running

Free & wild

A true free style

And spirit too

Where did you lose it

Who used it

Who abused it

Not just them

You did it too

The many lessons you learned

All the bridges y’all burned

Put it all in the urn

Time for a re-birth

For you to know your true worth

You’re a blessing and a curse

A force to be a reckoned with- Sir

It’s your destiny

To manifest your dreams

One by one

Burst the seams

Pay homage to your spirit team

They’re the true MVPs

Working behind the scenes

Making your solar beam

It’s not always what it seems

But it’s always what it’s meant to be

Just follow their lead

They know what you need

And what you don’t

What you will

And what you won’t

Just have faith and trust

Forward motion is a must

Wishing you well

Remember… Your words are spells

Make sure you get

The whistles and bells

Life has been “different” lately. Approximately two months ago I experienced a COMPLETE emotional breakdown🤯. I had to retreat from everything I loved (and thought) I loved. I even had to take a two week leave of absence from work🚶‍♀️. The whirlwind of emotions hit me HARD and UNEXPECTEDLY🌪. I felt like a COMPLETE wreck.

I can’t lie- I wanted to throw in the towel for so many reasons. I wasn’t suicidal; it was more like I was tired of being EVERYTHING- to EVERYONE, but myself. I was tired of placing myself last on the list for EVERYTHING! I believe I learned this at a young age. “Cater to everything for everyone”. “Earn your keep- even if it costs you your own peace”😏. I was taught that was the way of life. I wasn’t living a “fulfilling” life if I didn’t do all of the above🥺.

I’ve learned my breakdown was in fact a BREAKTHROUGH💖! My soul was breaking through while screaming… “Here I am… Please listen to me…Please get to know me… Please allow me to help you”. I didn’t quite understand it at the time. I just took it as I was crazy- because that’s what people will quickly tell you. It was at that point when I realized it WASN’T about people… it was about ME 😍.

I began to care less about what people thought of me. This was challenging as I had been a “people pleaser” my entire life. I started to think “What do I like”… more and more… “How does this make me feel”… more and more… I even found myself saying a few times… “screw who doesn’t like it 😂😩😎”. I was learning how to FEEL and SPEAK my truth. My truth was foreign to me for 35 LONG years.

I am finally learning to value me. It’s funny because I’ve always “underestimated” myself and my abilities. People would express that I am great at this or that, but I always took it as nothing special- I’m just like everyone else. I AM equal to everyone else; however, I have MANY MANY gifts and I am finally learning to embrace them.

I thought I was “weird” because I was “different”. That’s not true…My “different” are blessings and gifts in which I am truly grateful for. I have been receiving A LOT of recognition lately for these various gifts. I finally believe, feel, and know what I am truly capable of. I am aware of my positive impact on others. No longer do I “downplay” it. I welcome and embrace it all as I express gratitude 🤗.

All of this is to say- I’ve been through the storm OVER and OVER again. I’ve been overlooked and last OVER and OVER again… I’ve been used and abused (by self and others) OVER and OVER again. Those things NEVER defined me!!! They only built up my character for the consecutive wins on the ships that are arriving 🛳 (as I type). My future is extremely bright✨ You will read (and hear) all about it in due time.

Just remember- we will ALL reap the rewards of our blood, sweat, and tears… As long as our intentions are good and pure 💖. Just be patient and remember… We have worked way too hard just to be mediocre. Everything is working itself out behind the scenes. Things will be revealed in divine timing✨

The healing process is a never ending journey.  I am committed to healing my mind, body, and spirit.  First, I must take into consideration the root causes of my pain to develop a plan for rehabilitation.  Therefore, I have identified trauma to have the most impact on my mental, emotional, physical, and sexual stability.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) covers various types of abuse, neglect, and other potentially traumatic experiences that occur in individuals under the age of 18 (CDC, 2019).  Some of the most common forms of ACE include physical, sexual, and emotional- in addition to neglect.

Common Forms of Child Abuse and Neglect

Physical– the intentional use of physical force that can result in physical: Examples include hitting, kicking, shaking, burning, or other shows of force against a child.

Sexual– the pressuring or forcing a child to engage in sexual acts. It includes behaviors such as fondling, penetration, and exposing a child to other sexual activities.

Emotional– the behaviors that harm a child’s self-worth or emotional well-being. Examples include name calling, shaming, rejection, withholding love, and threatening.

Neglect– the failure to meet a child’s basic physical and emotional needs. These needs include housing, food, clothing, education, and access to medical care.

Unfortunately, early ACE have a lasting impact on the individual often through adulthood (CDC, 2019).  According to the CDC, these impacts can lead to injuries, risky behavior, mental dis-ease, health dis-ease, and limited opportunities for success (2019).  Consequently, adolescents and adults risk the exposure to future victimization and/or perpetration.

I have decided to conduct research on this topic to gain a better understanding of my childhood trauma. This understanding will allow me to process and accept my past experiences. Eventually, it gets tiresome to continuously feed the trauma with feelings of guilt, sorrow, shame, and other non-beneficial energies. Therefore, I intend to continue my research to move through my experiences. No longer do I wish to give into the trauma- with FEAR. I am ready to conquer this beast.

Do you suffer from ACE?  How do/have those experiences impacted your life?  What are healthy ways to cope from ACE?

Reference:

CDC. (2019). About Adverse Childhood Experiences. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/acestudy/aboutace.html

I’ve been MIA for a couple of weeks to deal with personal issues. Two weeks ago I reached a breaking point. I was forced to surrender to all that I knew and loved. I realized “I’m fine” was a lie I repeated way too many times. In fact, I had mastered looking and acting “fine”. I had to accept that I wasn’t “fine”. I had to accept I DO NOT have the answers. The universe forced me to face the emotions I had suppressed for days, weeks, months, and years.

It all started when my past met my present. My biggest fears were staring me in my face- my traumatic childhood experiences. My mind betrayed my heart. I questioned every ounce of reality in my life- dating back to my birth until now. I re-lived many of my past experiences. I was terrified to say the least.

I made the “executive decision” to retreat from EVERYTHING (family, friends, and work). This was very difficult as it was ALL I knew. I was accustomed to “busy” and it had always “worked” for me. No longer was this the case. I was alone with my thoughts and emotions. Again- this was terrifying!

I didn’t know my next move day in and day out. This was challenging as I always had a “plan” and great execution skills. I was literally at square one. My days were long and nights even longer. I was willing to walk away from everything I worked so hard to achieve and maintain. I was completely overwhelmed with everything.

Fortunately, my soul tribe was there every step of the way- even when I wasn’t the kindest. They showered me with love, support, and guidance.

I was also able to incorporate prayer and journaling into my daily activities. Prayer gives me hope for brighter days ahead. Journaling allows me to get out of my head with the racing thoughts. I have also found relaxing in nature to be very therapeutic.

I sought professional help and have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Depression, and Anxiety. The PTSD is a new arena for me. I’ve dealt with the ADHD, depression, and anxiety pretty much all my life. My ignorance led me to believe PTSD was only for people that experienced trauma in a war-like setting. However, that war-like setting is broader than I thought and includes any form of trauma.

One of my main goals is to thrive; not survive. I am claiming a different way to live; not just exist. I understand this is not a quick-overnight fix. I will experience joy and pain throughout it all. The beauty is I am taking a stand for ME… A stand to be a better version of me. I am much closer to who I am meant to be. NOT who they told me I was/am. I am also encouraging you to take that difficult stand- for YOU!

DO NOT be afraid to ask for help. DO NOT feel embarrassed if you need help. Have an open mind to be a willing participant in your healing journey.

Do you (or someone you love) suffer from any of the above conditions? Any other conditions? What is a healthy coping mechanism? Any questions or comments?