dreams

#NoLongerASecret

Life has been “different” lately. Approximately two months ago I experienced a COMPLETE emotional breakdown🤯. I had to retreat from everything I loved (and thought) I loved. I even had to take a two week leave of absence from work🚶‍♀️. The whirlwind of emotions hit me HARD and UNEXPECTEDLY🌪. I felt like a COMPLETE wreck.

I can’t lie- I wanted to throw in the towel for so many reasons. I wasn’t suicidal; it was more like I was tired of being EVERYTHING- to EVERYONE, but myself. I was tired of placing myself last on the list for EVERYTHING! I believe I learned this at a young age. “Cater to everything for everyone”. “Earn your keep- even if it costs you your own peace”😏. I was taught that was the way of life. I wasn’t living a “fulfilling” life if I didn’t do all of the above🥺.

I’ve learned my breakdown was in fact a BREAKTHROUGH💖! My soul was breaking through while screaming… “Here I am… Please listen to me…Please get to know me… Please allow me to help you”. I didn’t quite understand it at the time. I just took it as I was crazy- because that’s what people will quickly tell you. It was at that point when I realized it WASN’T about people… it was about ME 😍.

I began to care less about what people thought of me. This was challenging as I had been a “people pleaser” my entire life. I started to think “What do I like”… more and more… “How does this make me feel”… more and more… I even found myself saying a few times… “screw who doesn’t like it 😂😩😎”. I was learning how to FEEL and SPEAK my truth. My truth was foreign to me for 35 LONG years.

I am finally learning to value me. It’s funny because I’ve always “underestimated” myself and my abilities. People would express that I am great at this or that, but I always took it as nothing special- I’m just like everyone else. I AM equal to everyone else; however, I have MANY MANY gifts and I am finally learning to embrace them.

I thought I was “weird” because I was “different”. That’s not true…My “different” are blessings and gifts in which I am truly grateful for. I have been receiving A LOT of recognition lately for these various gifts. I finally believe, feel, and know what I am truly capable of. I am aware of my positive impact on others. No longer do I “downplay” it. I welcome and embrace it all as I express gratitude 🤗.

All of this is to say- I’ve been through the storm OVER and OVER again. I’ve been overlooked and last OVER and OVER again… I’ve been used and abused (by self and others) OVER and OVER again. Those things NEVER defined me!!! They only built up my character for the consecutive wins on the ships that are arriving 🛳 (as I type). My future is extremely bright✨ You will read (and hear) all about it in due time.

Just remember- we will ALL reap the rewards of our blood, sweat, and tears… As long as our intentions are good and pure 💖. Just be patient and remember… We have worked way too hard just to be mediocre. Everything is working itself out behind the scenes. Things will be revealed in divine timing✨

#ThePurge

#DealToHeal

#Survivor

#ChildhoodTrauma

The healing process is a never ending journey. I am committed to healing my mind, body, and spirit. First, I must take into consideration the root causes of my pain to develop a plan for rehabilitation. Therefore, I have identified trauma to have the most impact on my mental, emotional, physical, and sexual stability.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) covers various types of abuse, neglect, and other potentially traumatic experiences that occur in individuals under the age of 18 (CDC, 2019). Some of the most common forms of ACE include physical, sexual, and emotional- in addition to neglect.

Common Forms of Child Abuse and Neglect

Physical– the intentional use of physical force that can result in physical: Examples include hitting, kicking, shaking, burning, or other shows of force against a child.

Sexual– the pressuring or forcing a child to engage in sexual acts. It includes behaviors such as fondling, penetration, and exposing a child to other sexual activities.

Emotional– the behaviors that harm a child’s self-worth or emotional well-being. Examples include name calling, shaming, rejection, withholding love, and threatening.

Neglect– the failure to meet a child’s basic physical and emotional needs. These needs include housing, food, clothing, education, and access to medical care.

Unfortunately, early ACE have a lasting impact on the individual often through adulthood (CDC, 2019). According to the CDC, these impacts can lead to injuries, risky behavior, mental dis-ease, health dis-ease, and limited opportunities for success (2019). Consequently, adolescents and adults risk the exposure to future victimization and/or perpetration.

I have decided to conduct research on this topic to gain a better understanding of my childhood trauma. This understanding will allow me to process and accept my past experiences. Eventually, it gets tiresome to continuously feed the trauma with feelings of guilt, sorrow, shame, and other non-beneficial energies. Therefore, I intend to continue my research to move through my experiences. No longer do I wish to give into the trauma- with FEAR. I am ready to conquer this beast.

Do you suffer from ACE? How do/have those experiences impacted your life? What are healthy ways to cope from ACE?

Reference:

CDC. (2019). About Adverse Childhood Experiences. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/acestudy/aboutace.html

#TheMask

Do you have it on now? Does it have beautiful bright colors? Or is it dull and bland? Do you ever take it off? Does the mask leave an everlasting imprint if you take it off? Do you keep it on while you sleep? How long have you carried it? Days, months, years, or even decades? Do you clean the mask every so often to enhance its beauty? Where did this mask come from? Maybe your parents, society, or culture… Maybe all of the above. Do you have more than one mask? How and who do you alternate them for?

Let me tell you a little about my mask. I have it on now and it has so many amazing colors with unique design patterns. Sometimes I take it off when I am alone. I thought my mask left an everlasting imprint, but I’ve come to understand it doesn’t have to be permanent. Sometimes I wear it to bed. I’ve carried this mask for three decades and five years. I am sure to clean and polish my mask from time to time. There are times when I do not want to show my battle scars. The mask has been in my DNA for centuries- passed to/and from culture and society. I have more than one mask. I alternate them depending on the day, audience, and environment.

#MyTruth

I’ve been MIA for a couple of weeks to deal with personal issues. Two weeks ago I reached a breaking point. I was forced to surrender to all that I knew and loved. I realized “I’m fine” was a lie I repeated way too many times. In fact, I had mastered looking and acting “fine”. I had to accept that I wasn’t “fine”. I had to accept I DO NOT have the answers. The universe forced me to face the emotions I had suppressed for days, weeks, months, and years.

It all started when my past met my present. My biggest fears were staring me in my face- my traumatic childhood experiences. My mind betrayed my heart. I questioned every ounce of reality in my life- dating back to my birth until now. I re-lived many of my past experiences. I was terrified to say the least.

I made the “executive decision” to retreat from EVERYTHING (family, friends, and work). This was very difficult as it was ALL I knew. I was accustomed to “busy” and it had always “worked” for me. No longer was this the case. I was alone with my thoughts and emotions. Again- this was terrifying!

I didn’t know my next move day in and day out. This was challenging as I always had a “plan” and great execution skills. I was literally at square one. My days were long and nights even longer. I was willing to walk away from everything I worked so hard to achieve and maintain. I was completely overwhelmed with everything.

Fortunately, my soul tribe was there every step of the way- even when I wasn’t the kindest. They showered me with love, support, and guidance.

I was also able to incorporate prayer and journaling into my daily activities. Prayer gives me hope for brighter days ahead. Journaling allows me to get out of my head with the racing thoughts. I have also found relaxing in nature to be very therapeutic.

I sought professional help and have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Depression, and Anxiety. The PTSD is a new arena for me. I’ve dealt with the ADHD, depression, and anxiety pretty much all my life. My ignorance led me to believe PTSD was only for people that experienced trauma in a war-like setting. However, that war-like setting is broader than I thought and includes any form of trauma.

One of my main goals is to thrive; not survive. I am claiming a different way to live; not just exist. I understand this is not a quick-overnight fix. I will experience joy and pain throughout it all. The beauty is I am taking a stand for ME… A stand to be a better version of me. I am much closer to who I am meant to be. NOT who they told me I was/am. I am also encouraging you to take that difficult stand- for YOU!

DO NOT be afraid to ask for help. DO NOT feel embarrassed if you need help. Have an open mind to be a willing participant in your healing journey.

Do you (or someone you love) suffer from any of the above conditions? Any other conditions? What is a healthy coping mechanism? Any questions or comments?