I am experiencing a major transformative phase in my life right now. I’m not going to lie… It hurts… really bad… to the core… Its uncomfortable as hell… Often times- I don’t know which way to go… Or even how to proceed. There have been a lot of “down” days lately. I will say… having alone time allows one to be an observer… just “chillin’ in the cut”.
I am grateful for this timed opportunity because I am able to look at things from a different perspective. A clear perspective… not a biased perspective… or what I fantasize it to be. A light bulb clicked today as my mind raced with so many unasked and unanswered questions.
I gave myself a “death sentence”. You may think… “wow… that sounds a bit extreme”. The reality… IT IS. Let me break it down… I never forgave myself for many of the mistakes I’ve made in life. It’s like I hold a gun to my head and heart. I overcompensate based on the guilt I feel within. My expectations are too high for myself. I am human… I’m going to make mistakes… I am not perfect.
More times than not… I like to hold myself accountable for my actions. I also like to identify solutions to prevent situations from occurring again. However, it doesn’t just stop there… I hold the mistake over my head… and allow others to do the same… I acknowledge… This is not right… nor fair. It ends here…
I am human.. I will make mistakes… It is a part of life. I can’t give others a “pass” while refusing to give myself one. My mistakes are opportunities to learn something new- that simple. No longer will I beat myself over the head for “not knowing better”. I forgive ME… I will show compassion to and for myself.
I just connected the dots that this is a childhood wound. It is now ready to be healed ✨. When I was a child- I was verbally, mentally, emotionally, and even physically abused for making mistakes. My child self felt SO LOW… I literally just felt the heaviness as I typed that… I allowed others to add to that low feeling… I accepted the abuse… It was a natural response to be abused as a result of making a mistake.
To make matters worse… I did everything in my power to be seen (and treated) in “good grace”. Rarely was that the outcome… rather… Others took advantage of my low esteem and used it for their benefit. This is toxic behavior that I have carried into adulthood… Over and over again… I acknowledge this behavior does not serve me.
I RELEASE IT!!! I forgive myself for… being human… making mistakes… learning new things… not having it all figured out… I FORGIVE ME… I treat myself with love and compassion. I attract those who treat me with forgiveness, love, and compassion.
I was awakened in the middle of the night and decided to engage in my favorite 🙈- YouTube. A random video was displayed on the screen. The title was- “Please see before deleting” 🤔- I thought. I’ll give it a try. I am soo lucky I did 💖
Background info- I am experiencing a spiritual awakening. This experience is different for everyone- to say the least. There have been many ups and downs since my spiritual journey has begun. I’ve faced many difficulties in shifting perspectives regarding my whole life. Things I learned… was taught… was told…You have to do it this way… That way won’t work…This is how it’s supposed to be… That’s the ONLY way… 🤔🤔🤔 FALSE!
I had to get real with myself and implement change in various areas of my life. Some known… others unknown by others. I continue to make adjustments. Some people understand what I am experiencing- while others don’t have a clue (which is okay). They often think I’m losing my mind- when in fact… I’m learning how to think on my own… and not live my life as a “zombie”.
To be honest- it kind of hurts when those close to you don’t understand you. I struggle between trying to “state my case” with logical facts… and “it’s not even worth the time… nor energy” 😞.
Today was one of those days when I felt I had to “justify” my recent actions. I know I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. That little girl just took over as she wanted to be accepted- not “outcasted”… 🚘🛑 -pump the brakes… Lesson learned- I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my actions. Rather… I pick and choose who deserves it as a courtesy.
Anyways… back to YouTube…
This video was sooo on point for me- especially considering the day I had. In summary, I came here as an old soul… with a purpose… to elevate my own consciousness… and elevate the vibration of those around me. I must shift my perspective and release much of the old paradigm in which I… my… parents… ancestors… were raised on. Understand me when I say it is WORK!!! Lol. It’s also rewarding 💖.
Nevertheless, the video was encouraging… inspirational… a simple reminder that things will work out… I signed up for this… I can most definitely made for THIS. Now… for the synchronicities… the video was liked 222 times✨ Miracles are manifesting as you co-create with the universe… I noticed the 222 at 12:12 (video timestamp)✨ An acknowledgement of spiritual growth and the angels are working on my behalf💖 The message itself was VERY synchronistic 🦋
Moral of the story… Be true to self and your mission… Don’t feel pressured to convince someone to see your perspective… and last, but DEFINITELY not least- Spirit works in mysterious ways as they drop hints to us… we just have to “pay attention”😎. Have a wonderful day, night, and week 🌈.
I want a career I love… a career that makes me smile as I think about it. A career that makes me feel eager and accomplished- day and night. A career that provides me with the opportunity to use my God given skills and talents. A career that makes me smile as I tell others what I do for a living. A career that allows me to have fun… and BE MYSELF… A career where people feel my passion through simple word of mouth… and just being in my presence. A career that is meaningful and I KNOW I am making a difference…Some may think- that doesn’t exist… and that’s okay for you to feel that way. However, I beg to differ….
Hey World! Just “checking in” to say hello. Get out and about. Choose to live- not just exist. I know it’s easier said than done. Sometimes- it’s the simplest things we can do to expand our knowledge and experiences. Don’t wait until “the end” to say…. I wish I would have….. Because after all… it’s
I was inspired this morning by the mention of the dolphin- the dolphin represents playfulness. I thought to myself- I could use a bit more playfulness in my life- LOL. There I had it. My wife and I went on a spontaneous date 🙂 We headed to the science center an hour from our home.
I checked the weather forecast before we left- no rain it said. Lol. Funny thing is is started to rain as we headed towards our destination. Initially, I was a bit bothered and quickly went to check my weather app… However, I quickly “checked” myself. I logically processed there was rain on the windshield. There’s NO NEED to check my weather app because it clearly will not stop the raindrops from falling. In that moment- I realize the sad reality that we are COMPLETELY dependent on our electronic devices and other “conveniences”. I coached myself through this situation- I said… ok… it’s raining.. and what?! How is that stopping you from doing what you need to do?! The sun may even come out once you arrive to your destination. I was super proud of myself in that moment *pumped*.
We arrived at the science center 🙂 Sidenote- the sun came out 🙂 We walked through the aquarium first. We were greeted by fish, sharks, stingrays, and many other beautiful species. One of my highlights were the baby penguins!!! They were sooo cute and playful. I did a little dance and they all came around and gathered by the glass… It truly melted my heart 🙂
We then ventured into the zoo section where we were amongst tortoises, tigers, wolves, and other cool animals. There was even a BEAUTIFUL peacock that showed off a bit- I’ve never seen one open their wings/feathers- lol. It was just an amazing sight. Then, we headed to the friendly farm. I fell in love all over again- I petted an ALPACA… I’d NEVER seen an alpaca up close and personal. I talked to him in a playful manner. He came right over to me and allowed me to pet him. That made my ENTIRE day 🙂
The moral of this post- it’s okay to just have fun and be PLAYFUL. My wife was a bit discouraged when we arrived as there were many school aged children at the center. However, they actually made our trip a bit more exciting. I admired there ability to just enjoy the “simple things”- as I too enjoyed it in those moments. I was actually able to leave my cares behind for a bit. It truly felt great- to just be. Sometimes I get so caught up in my head- that I forget how to be playful. I’m grateful for this science center and the reminder- to live… and appreciate the simple things 🙂
I was severely abused as a child… sexually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Crazy part- most would have never thought it… Guess why? I always looked so “put together”. Nice clothes that always matched. A smile that only an actor could perfect…
Below the surface… was a terrified little girl who’d rather die- than to live the life she was given. That little girl grew older with time. Unfortunately, age is only a number and that little girl still lives within this woman’s body and world. She’s still afraid because she doesn’t truly understand what “safe” feels like.
The beauty in it all- she’s working through it as she faces the reality of her past… She understands healing the wounds are the key to moving forward. Healing the wounds will free her lineage from the suffering of the “if I knew better I’d do better” mentality. Healing the wounds empowers her descendants to value themselves and keep their power- instead of giving it away like so many of us have.
There’s no formula or manual to this thing called healing. We pretty much just have to experience life through trial and error. Some things will work- while others won’t. We are ahead of the ball game if we can look at our experiences as opportunities to learn.
We can also have compassion for those that have trespassed against us. This doesn’t mean they “get a pass” or we agree with their actions. However, we never know if/how our perpetrators were victims too… A lot of abuse is simply learned behavior. It doesn’t make it right, but at least gives us the opportunity to look at things from a different perspective.
I am currently working through understanding the trauma. I’ve mastered blocking the trauma so well- that I really don’t remember… Or maybe I just don’t want to… My body tensed up after I typed that sentence. The reality is… Things happened… it all has an impact on who I am today.
I am committed to healing and living an abundant life. Therefore, I need to make adjustments accordingly. No longer am I that terrified little girl. Now… I am an empowered woman…who will protect that little girl… who will keep her safe… who will share my story… to help others… so they won’t feel alone… so we can all take back