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The universe often talks to us, but we are too busy to listen. We are busy going about our day to tasks as if there’s no tomorrow. We forget to cherish the present moment for all of it’s beauty. The universe will sometimes force a “gentle” reminder so we don’t forget😏.

Last week I had plans of traveling and visiting family. I was scheduled to leave Thursday night or Friday morning. I packed the car up Thursday morning as I felt fine and normal. I had slight anxiety over me, but that’s pretty typical. Late Thursday evening my body began to experience discomfort. I decided to take a soaking bath to see if I would find some relief.

I was immediately greeted with chills shortly after my bath. I thought it was something that would “pass through”. I retired to bed early and decided to get some rest. I had postponed my travels until the next morning. The chills remained- my body started to ache. I grabbed the thermometer and noticed I had an 103.8 fever. Where did that come from?!?! It came from NOWHERE!!! That’s where…

That was the universe’s way of getting my attention. It had tried several times before, but I didn’t listen. I’ve sure we’ve all been there at one point or another. We get so caught up into “being busy” that we lose the sense of value in “stillness”. We often think the entire world will stop if we stop… That’s sooo not true.

In fact, I nursed myself back to health after 4 days. I engaged in the self-care my body was yearning for. It was begging in subtle ways- but of course… I did not listen. I sat there almost helpless. It took everything in me not to feel guilt. Too often we feel guilty for not being SUPER productive. I did absolutely nothing for 4 WHOLE days- and it felt pretty amazing✨ I learned that it is okay to not always produce or engage into something. It’s fine for us to “just be” and embrace that feeling 💖

The best part is life moved on without me in those 4 days. Family was okay and made arrangements as needed. I didn’t have to wreck my brain to figure out how the adjustments would work out. Everything effortlessly worked out😎

Don’t be afraid to take a break from it all and just

#SitDown

Have you experienced a situation where you were forced to sit down?

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It’s funny how the universe works. I was lying in bed replaying my day. I went to the grocery store and purchased a lemonade. This wasn’t just an ordinary lemonade… it captured my eye because a young girl was pictured on the bottle. BeeSweet Lemonade is a black-owned business by 11-year-old Mikaila Ulmer. Her story was cute because she mentioned (on the bottle) she didn’t always like bees as she was stung by a few in her life. Her grandmother assisted her with the passionate venture. The lemonade was delicious- if I might add 😎.

Fast forward to a few hours later- a lunch date in an artsy restaurant. I happened to sit right in front of the wall, which contained a beautiful painting… I immediately saw a BEE. I instantly thought of the BeeSweet Lemonade and then went on about my day. Fast forward to 30 minutes ago (5:50am)- I “unconsciously” replayed the bee events in my mind. I googled the spiritual meaning of the bee. I moved on with my life (😂😩😂) and began to search my old emails for a recent dream I had sent to myself. I came across the following email dating back to a few months ago:

I wrote all of this to say- NOTHING in life is a coincidence. My spirit team has been sending me subtle sweet messages 😀

THANK YOU and message received 💖

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I like to share many of my personal experiences and feelings here. I feel- if someone can learn from me sharing about my experiences… so be it 🙂 I’ve lived a long life of “fitting in”. I thought that was the way to be… Don’t question things and “do as you’re told”. Forget “how you feel” because it doesn’t matter.

I’ve come to realize- none of this is true. It’s actually all in perspective. More importantly, I’ve learned to LET MY BRIGHT LIGHT SHINE!!! Too often we dim our lights to prevent from “standing out”. Or… we feel that it will cause others to no longer shine. This too- is NOT true… EVERYONE can shine- should we all please 🙂 It is crucial that we feel empowered to be ourselves… To NOT conform- just because “that’s the way it is”. The “way it is” does not serve us- nor our life purpose.

We must shine our light- even if we are the only source of light. Light trumps darkness- not the other way around. Nor- can darkness trump darkness. We have many choices and must make our decisions based on what’s truly best for us- where we are… and where we’re going! We can choose not to associate with the darkness. We can choose to let the darkness overpower our light… Or… We can attempt to brighten that darkness with our light. The choice is all up to you… Whatever you decide- just stay TRUE to YOU!

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I own my experiences! Re-read that… I OWN my experiences. No longer will I allow my experiences to OWN me. No longer will I play the “victim” role. I scripted this life to learn from the traumatic and rewarding experiences. I scripted a volatile childhood… I said… “this is what I want to experience when I come “here”. I had NO DOUBT about it when I “signed” that soul contract.

It’s taken me decades to get to this place- and this is only the beginning. However, I am truly grateful to be “here”. To be willing to deal with the darkness… No matter what emotions I may feel. I’ve blocked much of my experiences- as I thought that was “safer” than knowing the trauma I AGREED to. The “blocking” coping mechanism protected that little girl back then. No longer will I allow that little girl to drive this vehicle in “life”.

I can’t lie- it’s hard to know where to start. The bottom line is I know where it ENDS! I have to delve deep… to see things I don’t want to see… to feel things I’m afraid to feel. But that’s the only way through and out! Escapism is sooo much easier than dealing… Until you realize the “shadow” is always there. No matter how you clothe it… No matter how you make it smile… No matter what you accomplish… That shadow will ALWAYS follow you.

Now is the time for me to OWN my experiences. More importantly- to learn from them and understand they DO NOT define me. The trauma and abuse made me feel so worthless… alienated…inadequate and so much more. However, that is what I scripted! I scripted it to trigger me in every which way- until I was ready to deal with it… regardless of the people, places, and things. I blamed so many others as I played the “victim”. The truth is they were just showing me what was needed. A love for me… A love for self… A validation for self… to know I am VERY worthy… inclusive… and adequate. I understand this is a lifelong process which can bring about the unknown and unforeseen. Regardless… I am ready to deal… in order to heal.

I OWN my experiences… and choose to learn from them and understand they DO NOT define me✨

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This healing journey is REAL… To say it’s work is an understatement. I’m learning more about myself through astrology. Astrology allows me to examine my past and create the future I desire. It can be confusing at times because we have been programmed with cultural and societal conditioning. However, we reap the benefits when we are able to look at the challenges “head on”… and commit to overcoming them.

Learning astrology is assisting me with identifying my gifts- as well as areas of improvement. Communication is one of my gifts- writing & speaking. It comes to me naturally; however, I try to limit how much I communicate. I have an analytical brain that constantly processes and computes information. Consequently, I have chosen to logically process if my thoughts and words are “worthy” of speaking and/or writing. This self-doubt and second guessing only limits the abundance packaged with my name and a bow.

I know in my heart & being that people want to “hear” what I think… and have to say. I know my ideas and words make a difference… in my own life… and the lives of others. Sometimes, I do not want to write or speak because it makes me feel vulnerable. I felt “weakness” as I typed that word. The reality is vulnerability is OKAH. It’s not what I thought it was when I was a child. The child within me is SAFE NOW! I can acknowledge that old script no longer “works” for me.

I am making a conscious effort to express myself more…. and more freely and authentically. It’s time to stop judging myself so harshly… it’s time to accept “mistakes” as a learning experience- and not beat myself up about it. It is time to embrace these gifts and all that comes along with them✨

I appreciate your time in allowing me to express my true self💖

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It is okay to go “against the grain”. You may receive “heat” from doing so, but we are the only one walking our path. More importantly- we encourage others to do the same as they may want to, but fear it.

The “less traveled” path is a bit scary as it is uncharted territory. On the contrary, the “most travelled” road is scary in the sense that you already know what to expect. Furthermore, our hard work and dedication is often unrecognized. Let’s not forget the reward is likely far less than the blood, sweat, and tears we’ve invested. So that my friend- encourages me to forge a new path in which I CREATE the outcome of my circumstances.

Life is what we make it… not what we are told it should be… or the way it was… I encourage you to question the status quo to see if it makes sense for you… your morals… your dreams… your desires. We have to shift the culture from “that’s just how we do it” to “we CHOOSE to do it in this manner because…”. Of course- this is not an overnight process. However, allowing ourselves to see situations from an alternate perspective is a great start (in my eyes).

Allow your soul and heart to lead you to whatever it desires… as they both know what’s “best” for YOU. This is a trying process as we often allow the ego to tell us “you can’t do that”. However, the fact of the matter is we CAN DO IT… as we have everything we could ever want and need within us. Furthermore, we have an army “in the sky” that guides and protects us day in and day out💖. Let’s make the “impossible” possible… and GO

-AgainstTheGrain✨

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I am in a totally different “space” mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually compared to that of a year ago. That is not to say it has all been good. Much of it has been disastrous and destructive, but nevertheless… well needed. In fact, I am still in that state- however, I am able to look at things from a different perspective. A perspective that I would have never considered… a year ago… or even 5 years ago…

Values and priorities change over time. Or… sometimes… they may even stay the same. However, I feel we are able to experience our true essence when we take an inventory of everything in our lives. I am NOWHERE near the true essence of “Who I Am”, but I am much closer than I was a year ago… a month ago… a day ago. That is the key to this “game of life”. I’m learning to understand it’s not quite about “having it all figured out”. In fact, I thought that was the only way to be “successful”. I was the subject of cultural, generational, and social conditioning… To “fit in”… To do this… To not do that… I have to be this way, but not that way…I excluded myself as I worked towards having it “all figured out”. It looks pretty good on the outside… I faked it well… To be honest- we ALL “fake it” well….

Society leads us to believe we are “living out best lives” while trying to keep up with the “Jones'”. While in fact- we are doing the complete opposite. We are working further and further away from who we are destined to be- while trying to compete with the next person, trend, or fad. I believe we all have a purpose in this life. We are ALL unique in our own beautiful way. It is time that we embrace this uniqueness in knowing not a single person (of 7.8 billion) can carry out our missions in the way we are destined to.

I am currently in the process of re-learning who I am. I am allowing death to takeover the parts of who I was… or who I thought I was. Some parts are harder than others to be honest. However, I understand they all needed to happen in order for me to get aligned… on my path- for my purpose. Whether or not I am aligned- that’s a separate topic :-). Either way… I am walking towards my purpose. I honestly have NO IDEA what it is… I have an inclination, but I don’t know what it looks like in the end… NOR… do I know what it looks like in the beginning. I can only hope & pray it is something like what’s taking place right now.

I’ve released a lot in these past couple of years… I continue to release… It is an exhausting process…. To accept that some people, places, behaviors, actions no longer serve you… ESPECIALLY… when we are sabotaging ourselves…At times… it’s like…. WOW…. I was really the ONLY one hurting ME!!!! Whether it be not respecting ourselves enough to establish healthy boundaries… or… allowing our ego to tell us we would NEVER be good enough…

This is a constant and DAILY struggle… to balance the ego… to know I AM ENOUGH…. to know I AM SPECIAL… to know I AM one with the DIVINE…. To know I am DESTINED FOR GREATNESS!!! To release fear and control… and to allow SPIRIT and the UNIVERSE to guide my steps… Because one thing i DO KNOW for SURE….. I have NO IDEA what I am doing (out here in these streets- searches for cool emoji :-)). I am finally learning to accept this about life… Embracing the moments of… “I don’t know… vulnerability… uncertainty… fuckery… the PRESENT!!! Learning to be present… something I STILL struggle with… but also something I am practicing… trying to implement… I am learning that I do not control anything… I just resist what is… and what shall be… which makes matters even more difficult. Therefore, I am releasing control of knowing “what happens next”… I allow myself to be guided to whatever is for me… and my HIGHEST and GREATEST good….

So Be It

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If you knew where I started… Then you’d understand why I feel so passionate about the changes I am making in my life. It all started with a troubled childhood. A childhood that taught me enormous strength and power- like I could NEVER imagine. I was blinded by the wounds as I aged into adulthood. It was all suppressed- deeper than DEEP. Over time- I was forced to deal with the demons in my closet… The demons behind my smile… The demons that plagued me AND my life. I had to get vulnerable and truthful with ME… I couldn’t blame any ONE or THING. I played that game for sooo long. It was truly played OUT.

This inner-work journey began a little over two years ago. Little by little- I began to chisel away. None of it really made sense to me back then. I just knew I was uncomfortable in many situations. I knew I kept running into the same problems- often different people… sometimes the SAME people. Either way- I realized… “It can’t be EVERYONE else”- Lol. This acknowledgement occurred over time because when I first started- I still blamed everything and everyone else- Lol… just being honest. I dibbled and dabbled with… what’s right… and what’s COMFORTABLE… Over time… that thought process changed. I began to understand karma… and the consequences of my actions… I learned… If I give into my selfish and egotistical ways… NOTHING good can come of it! I had to do something different… if I wanted DIFFERENT.

Over time… I began to delve deep. What is me? What am I creating in my life? How am I attracting circumstances that are not aligned with my greatest good? What examples am I setting for those who look up to me? What generational curses am I “accepting” as MY fate? When I tell you… this was far from easy… I wholeheartedly mean… FAR FROM EASY! Either way… I faced those demons… and held myself ACCOUNTABLE! Trust and believe- this is the BEST thing you can do for your own development and progression in life. It is not easy, but it is truly WORTH IT… EVERY BIT!

I still continue to delve deep as this healing journey is a never-ending process. Many ups… many downs… Many victories… many lessons… many BLESSINGS… especially in hindsight- Lol. In the present moment- I am focusing on learning me… WHO I AM… not who I was…. not who I PRETENDED to be- just to be “accepted”. Not who everyone THINKS I am… None of that served me!!! I realize I came here for a DIVINE purpose… ONLY I can fulfill that destiny!!! I am on path to live out this vision that I co-created with the DIVINE for MY life…

To be honest- I don’t understand A LOT of it… I have lots of questions… FREQUENTLY… BUT… I am learning to “flow with the go”… It is a constant struggle!!! The good part- I would not have thought to “flow with the go” two years ago… because I was standing in my own way… with thoughts that I was “handling my business”- Lollol… at the thought of it… I had NO IDEA… Either way… I am SOOO glad and PROUD…. that I’ve experienced all that I have… So I can be EXACTLY where I am now… TODAY… with a VISION… with a PURPOSE…. and FAITH….. and to BE ME… to STAND IN MY TRUTH!!! Regardless of what that may look like to others… One day… I will look back and share my testimony… Then maybe people will understand… The vision I had/have… Hopefully it will inspire others to follow their hearts… If one is inspired… I’ve accomplished MY mission- Plus one 🙂

Thanks for taking a glimpse into the side that I RARELY show 🙂